Q: Are we not men?

A: We are Devo.

Talking Heads

We're on a road to nowhere, on the Straight Lies express.

The Nanny

I just heard that if McPalin lose the election NBC is going to tap them as the lead actors in a revival of "The Nanny" with the pilot episode including 15 minutes of McGeezer explaining to the patient and agreeable British butler why ordering a pizza with coolwhip on it was a bold choice at the time.

It ends with a hilarious comedic romp involving Nanny, the kids, a Cessna, a large caliber hunting rifle, a lesson from Jesus on teen pregnancy with a cameo from Jeremy Irons, and several dead moose. NBC says Palin will bring excitement to their Friday night lineup.

An open letter to Wells Fargo

Dear CEO Sir,

I have a lot of debt. Not a huge amount, but a lot for me.

I am wondering, how much will I have to owe in order to be considered "to big to fail"? I'd like a loan for that amount, and a taxpayer-funded "rescue" package so I can keep the mansions that I plan to buy with it. I can’t guarantee how much of the money you will get back, but you might get some, and really, it’s for the good of us all. And, one more thing, if I could. I’d like to get the “rescue” package without paying McCain’s campaign manager $15,000 a month, if possible. As a middle class American I just don’t have that kind of money…yet.

Thank you and God Bless America,
Dr. D.

PS: I'm available most days and after 5.

Tips for the debate

Obama. Here's how you do it. The questions will probably suck, and the format will probably favor McCombOver, so you have to counter it. Here's how the other side does it.

1. Ignore the questions. After they shut up, simply go off into attacks on how bad the other side is. If you keep moving the bar down, anyone can jump over it.
2. Explain how everything that you've fucked up is someone else's fault or that it was impossible to foresee such circimstances.
3. Tell how bad it would be if the other side took control of the country. Things like Muslim extremists selling the Qoran instead of Christian exrtemists selling Bibles. Maybe men in turbans selling snowcones from stands near our schools and stealing apple pies from window sills where grandma placed them to cool, bless her heart. It could happen!
4. Use the words "God", "hero", "brave", and "victory" in every sentence.
5. Act like someone Americans would like to have a beer with while their country is sapped away from them and our upper 1% get rich and the rest of us circle the drain.
   
6. And, please, stop saying how great your opponent is before attacking. I'm sick of it.

You may not make any sense, but you will win in the eyes of the pundits.

Obama has come out of the closet!

After the desperate McNugget campaign and Fox News have repeated racist attacks on the Land o' Lincoln senator, Barrack Obama has come out of the closet. He is actually White. A closet White man. It is true.

You don't believe it? Well...

You believed dubya, aka Kenebunkport Clyde, aka C+ Augustus, was a good ol' boy from the ranchin' aristocracy of west Texas who could tie his own shoes, was off the sauce for Jesus and would not run our country into the ground.

You believed Cheney was human.

You believed Sarah Palin was a hockey mom who could become president and bring respect to women everywhere.

And you believed McNugget was a straight talkin' honest American maverick hero reformer, not suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's disease and is somehow a step up from Bush.

So...

Why wouldn't you believe that Barrack Obama is White?

Huh?

Palin Mythology 101

The worst myth is that she knows anything about energy. She has said repeatedly, even after it was debunked, that Alaska produces 20% of the country's energy. Alaska only produces about 14% of the oil (that's 14% of the oil produced in the US--not all that we use), very little gas, no coal, no nuke. Doesn't look like she understands energy versus oil. If you look at oil and gas, Alaska produces about 7%. She modified it to "20% of the oil and gas," but that is still an ignorant lie, rounding up very liberally--or more accurately, a GOP exaggeration to build her false persona as they did with dubya.

Her pipeline is also a myth.

And this whole "Drill here, drill now!" gimmick? That's how her daughter got pregnant.

If Obama, Palin and McCain were on Jeopardy

Trebek: "Please phrase your response as a question, Ms. Palin, and stop calling me Charlie."

McCain: "Stop treating her like that, my friend, or I'll bite your nose off. Did I mention that I spent 5 years--"

Obama: "Eight times!! You are a good man who served his country with honor, but your financial paradigm is fundamentally flawed and by any other name is still flawed. I'll take Pot Pourri for 200, Alex."

Palin: "Did you just call me a pig?"

Obama: "Huh? I--"

McCain: "Well, did ya, whippersnapper? Why, I oughta..."

Obama: "No. No, I did not. She's the one who brought it up."

McCain: "You'd like that, wouldn't ya?"

Obama: "Like what?"

McCain: "Her lipstick."

Obama: "I didn't really notice--"

McCain: "I did. Heh, heh. Forget the pig, put some on me, honey. Come here."

Palin: "How many times have I told you, FOCUS ON THE CAMPAIGN! I will not lose, I tell you all, I will not lose! Buahahaha! Out of my way old man! Failed policies for 1000, Alex."

Trebek: "Sorry Sarah, we've run out of time, and since your score is negative 18,000, you will not be around for Final Jeopardy. Today's category is Impending 21st Century Catastrophes. We'll be right back."

Earmarks! Stop the madness!

Here are the earmarks set aside for Nebraska. I hope that president McSlash cuts every damn one of them. Come on, Nebraska, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and do some work! We don’t need the federal government giving us piles of money for things like agriculture ($500,000 for the Drought Mitigation Center and $149,000 for sweet sorghum research to name a few), or $500,000 for the Boys Town Research Hospital (if some kid has behavioral problems, he just isn’t working hard enough!), or $500,000 for the City of Omaha/Midlands Mentoring, Partnership Afterschool project (just go play on Lake Street, kid).

Or, listen to this: $590,640 for Wastewater Treatment Improvements for the City of Lincoln. I want to tell congress, “Thanks but no thanks!” We’ll process our own excrement, by God. And, holy smokes, there’s $11,790,000 coming so we can host the Special Olympics! They’ve turned this into a welfare state, gol-dangit!

We are the hardest working people in the greatest country in the world (someone has to watch the corn grow and complain about the football coach); this is insulting. How did democrats slip all these unnecessary earmarks into the budget, especially since our entire congressional house delegation is GOP? Oh, they’re sneaky devils.

McPalin is absolutely right. We need reform, and since we Nebraskans ALWAYS follow the GOP, those two intrepid reformer mavericks had better get started and reform us right back to the Dust Bowl. Wait a second, did you see Sarah in Golden, Colorado the other day. Her hair was perfect…aaaaahhh. I’m in love. Obama who?

What is with the Beatles?

The University of Nebraska has a commercial on TV with the song Hard day's night and it's been driving me crazy. The song includes the lyrics, "...and I've been workin' like a dog." Have you ever seen a dog work? They don't. They get fed, they play fetch and they sleep. They don't work. Okay, there's like a couple hundred sled dogs in the world, but that's it. How do you play a song that considers a hard day's night after working like a dog? This has to be the worst choice of similes for a song that I have ever heard. If this band keep it up they're not going anywhere.

Open letter to Cable 24-hour news networks

Could I please have my own show? And if not my own show, then a regular pundit? I’ve been watching your shows and realized that all I have to do is learn to be a complete asshole and I could do what your hosts and most guests do. I’ll admit I’m not a full-time asshole, but I could coax myself for a one-hour show. What do you say?