News Update

A Yemeni airliner crashed in the Indian Ocean with 150 on board. The Indian Ocean is expected to make a full recovery.

OMG! A linebacker for the Texas Longhorns was texting on his cell phone while driving and crashed into a building. Texas athletic department officials are concerned, but say that he will not be punished as long as he does not send text messages during the Oklahoma game.

Tuesday is the deadline for American troops to leave Iraqi cities and towns. And for the first time, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are right, we are being treated as liberators.

Loud ad man Billy Mays passed away. Apparently his sleepless neighbors got a hold of some Mighty Putty.

Thousands gathered at the base of the mountain to see that Steve Jobs is back on the, um, job. He had to upgrade his liver to the new iOrgan. Unfortunately it will go out of style in two months and need to be replaced by the iOrganPod. He’s scheduled to have a third surgery in December to receive the long-awaited iOrganNanoPodThingy, the smallest liver ever, amid great fanfare.

And, in health care news, the health care industry is spending $1.4 million per day on lobbying. Which means that, yes, after they defeat any reform that would actually help us, we are going to have to pay even more to cover this cost. But that’s OK, because they need that money to develop new and better lobbyists--because we demand the best lobbyists in the world.