Daily log

So Michael Phelps is busted. Totally busted. He so let us all down. I can't believe it. Caught on camera smoking pot. Smoking what? Wait a second. He's in hot water, off the deep end, belly-up, because he had a toke? Welcome to the Amish States of America. Welcome to the set of Mary Poppins.

How is he going to get out of this? Is Phelps going to have to switch to the Olympic Ski Team? Try to get on with the Portland Trailblazers? Did this start when he hosted Saturday Night Live?

See, this is what happens when a kid swims all the time and is too chummy with dear ol' mom. He never learned crucial lessons of youth. Sure, "a friend with weed is a friend indeed," but a friend with a bong and a camera is not so cool if you are going to be pissing in a cup every week until you retire.

It is my opinion that Mr. Phelps has the right to burn a bowl whenever he wants. He will probably train better because he will tear through those last hundred laps at record speed to get to that bag of Doritos. So here's what you do. Only burn the doobage when you're in a well-ventilated area and are sure that there are no paparazzi or friends with a cell phone around, especially girls. I can tell that you haven't had a lot of experience with swim-team groupies. Nothing but trouble.

And, please, America. Don't bring this up again. It doesn't matter. Let the guy kick back, roll a number, burn it, and stare at those eight disks of gold for a couple hours.

*UPDATE
Now Phelps is suspended for 3 months by USA Swimming. Because smoking pot would be an unfair advantage in the pool, I presume? Gimme a break! Legalize it! Not because I want everyone to smoke it, but because anyone can, anywhere, and we are wasting a huge amount of money and oppressing people by making it illegal. Mexico is having terrible problems with corruption and violence because of pot trafficking. And the drug is okay. It is much better than cigarettes and alcohol. I'm sick of it.